April 10, 2020 at 1:19 pm #11562
Dear friends on the autism spectrum,
Anybody can read this post of mine, but please would the ladies in particular have a go at helping me with this, please? It would be much appreciated, thanks.
I do need a lot of help with my fixation on marrying a lady, but my financial situation isn’t very good at all. I’m in the throes of immigrating from South Africa to America which is filthy expensive in itself, not to mention buying basic necessities during our COVID-19 lock-down, in spite of the fact that I am planning to get US Medical Insurance for myself, but I don’t think that will be anytime soon. My medical aid in South Africa is being stretched as it is. I have no more money to pay therapists for the issues you’re about to read about:
I tend to “throw” myself at ladies (a rather strong word but it’s the unfortunate truth), trying to convince them that they’re missing out on the best husband they’ll ever have. But I seem to have scared them all away because I didn’t behave “normally”. Some ladies have been the exception and have displayed an overwhelming amount of enthusiasm to pursue marriage with me. So then, I’ve reciprocated from here to there and back again, smothering them with love, money and attention to try and make sure they wouldn’t even dream of dumping me. (That said, I don’t believe in buying a lady’s love with money, but only to spoil them a bit and improve their lives accordingly). But then it emerges that they’ve got mental problems like pathological lying and bipolar that got mixed with my high-functioning autism! And then, if I don’t dump THEM before it’s too late, my friends and family have to do it for me!
I’m a 44-year-old guy with high-functioning autism who’s IRREVERSIBLY fixated on achieving a happy, successful marriage and I’ve been emotionally (and sexually) scarred, battered and traumatized having been in hundreds of broken relationships, and I don’t believe I’ve caused the break-ups. I’m in South Africa under the COVID-19 lock-down and I’m so lonely with no lady to Skype every day!
As part of a very big plan to try and get help to fit into society better, make friends and girlfriends normally and progress to a successful marriage, I’d appreciate somebody who is sufficiently qualified to Skype me regularly, and pick up when I’m saying or doing something that is causing me to chase all the girls away. I need help with the following, please:
1) I want to be able to progress normally and at a slow enough pace from a platonic friendship to a happy, lifelong marriage.
2) The right way to go about making lady friends.
3) How to attract them and where to looking for my wife.
4) I’ve been told thousands of times that I rush into relationships.
Would this be possible, please? I did purchase the book “Living With An Asperger’s Partner” by Mark Hutten. I’ve posted a second topic giving full details on a lady I had a video chat with not so long ago. I was sending regular, friendly e-mails to her and then she just stopped replying. I still don’t know why!
Dear fellow Aspies,
I’m quite convinced you’re all going to identify with an experience I had. First off, I’m a 44-year-old guy with high-functioning autism / Asperger’s Syndrome and am dreadfully fixated on finding a happy, lifelong marriage. I know I shouldn’t be fixated! I met a lady (I’ll protect her identity) through a Speech Pathologist who put us in contact with each other, since we’d both signed up for a non-committing, single session on Zoom. We had just one video chat on Zoom, and I learnt she liked electronic music like me, so she had me “firing on all cylinders” to find more common ground with her. Preparing for something long-term / marriage, I started doing everything that (I thought) was conducive to her loving me more every day (beginning with “friending” her on FB); never to dump me. I even started advertising the charity she worked for, to rake the donations in, and she thanked me heartily. Since the day of our video chat, she reciprocated with me for about 5 days but after that, she didn’t reply to any e-mails I sent! I became very depressed and sulky, and felt like a social reject. Ladies have been dumping me for years, but what have I done to deserve it?
I know it was a non-committing video chat we signed up for. But the comaraderie, common ground and clowning-around that went on between us motivated me to ask her if she’d like to continue with the e-mails and video chats. I’m sure I heard “yes!” Deep down, you can take my word for it that I’m a super-fantastic guy who is a really chivalrous knight-in-shining-armor who will always treat any lady like a Queen. So why did she stop contacting me, even after she said it was nice to meet me the other day? WHY? Ladies, please help me answer that question!
If possible, please, I would like to have daily Skype sessions with a lady who’d be able to ascertain what I’m doing wrong. Whether or not that lady would like to get to know me better to pursue marriage with me is another matter. If it happens, wonderful! But the last thing I want to do is scare all the ladies off. I need help – please!
I’m in South Africa at the moment, so my time zone would be GMT+2, and my Skype ID is: roymnel. Please e-mail me to set up a time and date for a Skype session.
Thanks everyone.December 6, 2020 at 9:36 am #11847
Hi roymnel, see you didn’t receive any replies to your plea for help, but as a fellow Aspie who is figuring this out want to both encourage you and offer some advice on how to proceed forward.
I feel for your yearning for intimacy and a relationship. You bared your heart and said exactly what you feel. But as you are experiencing, Aspies can be horrible finding it.
Developing emotional intimacy is NOT our strong suit. In the NT world you hear about people who get married after 3 weeks etc. It is a crazy exception to the rule. The fact of the matter is that most women need many weeks, to several months to, based on their experiences with men, even years to develop the trust and openness you are desiring and demonstrating. It does not happen over 1-2 common interests like techno or food. It is so so so so much deeper than that. Friends in my 20s said this: getting married is like having a baby. To do it right it takes 9 months.
I would suggest you adapt your thoughts about a relationship and marriage to that timeline, and the process to that timeline. It is probably hundreds of times slower than you want. But that is how NT women work. They will not adapt to you. You have to adapt to them.
We don’t get it because our feelings and emotions are skewed. We are more like Mr. Spock: black and white data without emotions. We see connections and immwdiately make them. But NT people don’t work that way. THEY ASSIGN EMOTIONS TO FACTS. It is SO frustrating. But as a result what seems obvious to us, their emotions get in the way and slow them down. It is both bad and good. We get to data based answers much faster because I normally don’t care about any emotional impact (my or their pride, abilities, reputation, etc.) and slow down for them. But we also can been seen as being either arrogant, know it all, jumping to conclusions, or even scary (we say “Can’t you see that?” Or “It is so obvious”) that cause NT people to get upset at us or even run away. As you have experienced.
A woman who doesn’t know you will not invest the time in a stranger. They have their own needs and desires, and without knowing you they see their paths to finding their dreams more achievable.
We are rule based people. We make routines and religiously follow them. My last suggestion is to find an ASD therapist and work through these issues with him/her. You need to recreate your timing and expectations regarding relationships to fit the NT world as well as learn the mechanics of how to build emotional intimacy with other people. Sorry. It is not easy and will not make sense. But it works.
I wish all the best for you roymnel as you pursue your dream and hope you find the happiness you seek.
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