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Little Comfort in Marriage topic

This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  HSP 6 months, 2 weeks ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #3204

    Lost_Navigator
    Participant

    I’m convinced my 53-year-old wife has Asperger’s. We’ve been married 15 years, and there’s been little comfort in it and little progress. She has worked 5 or 6 years in all of this time because she has formed some sort of picture in her head of an ideal job and acts as a house maid while she waits for the perfect opportunity to knock on our door. Most of my energy is spent trying to provide for our living expenses and speaking in precisely the right way when I’m at home to avoid detonating my wife’s insecurities and inability to interpret statements that are normal conversation to other people. I’m tired, and our bank account that covers the difference that my wife could make up for is shrinking fast. I sometimes wonder if this marriage will be the end of me.

    #3205

    mkandb
    Participant

    Hello! I am new here. My husband was diagnosed with Aspergers, although he refuses to accept the diagnosis. I find it helpful for me to attend counseling, so that I can better understand him and his reactions. I have also recently convinced him to go to couples coaching, with an Aspergers expert In our area. We are also trying a video couples counseling group for “Neurodiverse” couples.

    I would encourage you to find a trusted Aspergers expert (not just a regular counselor) who can listen to your experiences, and give you some advice/relief. It is very emotionally lonely to be in relationship with an Aspie.

    I wish you the very best.
    Michelle

    #3209

    mcleodbf1
    Participant

    It must be very draining for you to struggle with household finances and not get the support you counted on from your spouse.I believe that I have Asbergers. Since it is a sliding scale I suppose no two of us are alike. I suppose you will need to decide if you have it in you to work through this. I agree with Michelle that you need help and counseling. It sounds as though your wife is a bit further on the scale than I as I have a good career but I can tell you that all my life interactions have often felt borderline insane for me. Being criticized for not getting the obvious social queues cut right to the bone and gave me a feeling of defective worthlessness. And being in a relationship with a disabled person is more than many can handle so care for yourself and what is left offer to her. Good luck with your decision.

    #3283

    HSP
    Participant

    Lost_Navigator, I certainly hear what you’re saying, particularly in these ways — “there’s been little comfort in it and little progress” and “inability to interpret statements that are normal conversation to other people” and especially “I sometimes wonder if this marriage will be the end of me.” You just made me feel normal and understood, so thank you very much for that! We partners definitely need more help from within society.

    My H and I have had more ridiculous arguments over that inability to interpret statements than enough. He doesn’t understand “normal” conversation flow, redirects it back to or makes it all about him and HIS feelings all the time, and hears criticism in nearly every single comment I make. Then he starts a fight with me over it and won’t END it either, despite my painstakingly explaining each time (a) the actual SEQUENCE of our conversation (he mixes that up to suit his own agendas), and (b) WHY I said any given thing (like a narcissist, he talks like HE knows my head & heart better than I do). He simply refuses to accept any of this, or the fact that his default mode is to first filter everything as a criticism, then to hang onto that skewed view no matter what. It’s infuriating and unworkable to deal with this, eternally. Lately, he’s also using his diagnosis as an EXCUSE for not doing or owning his part, saying “we both know I’m not wired that way” when I’m trying to reach out to him for a rational discussion and repair.

    So similarly to you, I keep wondering if I either must just get out, or die earlier on from the results of his behaviour on my mind/body/spirit. HE certainly doesn’t seem to care either way, as he’s said several times he’d be “fine” alone, and threatens divorce when he doesn’t get his way whenever he’s hurt me the most. (but as I said in another thread, this doesn’t sound like only Asperger’s, since there’s often no true remorse, humility, or even embarrassment evidenced by him afterwards) I’m at the point now where I’m finally and actually losing that loving feeling about him and no longer desperately trying to keep it alive. Let his actions prove or disprove if I’m worth his while to keep hanging on after all these years of a one-sided ‘relationship.’

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