January 22, 2018 at 12:41 pm #3212
I’m confused. My spouse was diagnosed by a Dr. who is himself on the autism spectrum, and is licensed to provide the only free, government-funded diagnoses available here. (we are not in the U.S.) But since the DSM-V was changed (3-4 yrs ago?), his professional assessment of my spouse instead had to be labeled as “Social Communication Disorder,” instead of (the former) Asperger’s = NO govt funding available for treatment. But that’s not the main problem.
Although my spouse certainly has a VERY low E.I. (Emotional Intelligence) and exhibits MANY of the Asperger-like traits/symptoms, there are specific differences as well, from all I’ve learned.
- Case in point
: Dr. Robertson’s article on “Reflections On The Personality of Adults With Asperger’s” does NOT sound like my spouse, in that he definitely DOES appear to have very little empathy for anyone else (particularly me), is generally very self-absorbed, etc. And while Dr. Robertson has observed that “deceit, hypocrisy, falseness and dishonesty are simply uncommon traits in this condition,” my spouse seems to pathologically lie – whether overtly, covertly, or by omission. (in fact, he doesn’t believe lying by omission is even lying and has proposed that as a ‘solution’ to resolve a problem!) He is also emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive (but only to ME) a majority of the time, unless things are “perfect” (i.e. no problems), and has even been physically abusive in a few instances in the past. This is all made that much worse by the fact that I am an HSP myself – Highly Sensitive Person (coined/discovered by Dr. Elaine Aron) – so am severely traumatized by all his abusive behaviors. Meanwhile, everyone else loves him, thinks he can do no wrong, and have no idea of the he** I’ve been going through with him for decades now.
So IS this ONLY Asperger’s/SCD, or is it as I suspect – that he has at least one other co-morbid disorder going on as well?? (possibly something like Sociopathy or NPD) And how would I even go about finding out for sure?
This may be vital to know ahead of time since I am already having one heckuva time even finding ANY local, professional therapist who has experience in working with BOTH people in such a marriage, i.e. the NT(neurotypical) AND the Aspie/SCDisordered spouse. From what I’ve learned, this is VITAL to find so that the NT partner doesn’t suffer any MORE damage than they already have. We also could not afford to waste time or money on a therapist who isn’t qualified enough to assess and treat for such things.May 27, 2018 at 4:37 pm #3281
I am so sorry to see that you didn’t get a response from anyone, and I hope you have found support elsewhere. I just found this website via a Facebook support group in which a member sang Kenneth’s praises.
Your question re diagnosis is surely tricky. People fall on so many parts of the spectrum of autism… and can have features of a personality disorder without being full blown narcissists or sociopaths. Some AS people have features of narcissism… that I have known. Others are serial cheaters in marriage. But most are very kind and bright in the outside world and it is in the intimate relationship- as it is with Neuro-typical people – that the edgier elements arise. In my estimation many people are difficult to live with and long term intimacy requires at least one partner who is committed to growth, even if their partner is stuck. There are wonderful books out there for ‘Aspergers in Love’ couples, workbooks and such.
I hope you have found a support network!May 28, 2018 at 1:07 pm #3282
Thank you so much for responding, bodhigirl. Even one person caring helps! I know I did get a personal email reply long ago, but could not find it again as I didn’t recall what name or subject line it came in under!
In any case, these overlapping spectrums ARE impossible to figure out on one’s own, and no, I have not found any support network, either. I do have a couple of books on dealing with Asperger’s & the like, plus 2 other related ones suggested by that diagnosing Dr. (The 5 Love Languages & When Sorry Isn’t Enough), but it has proved fruitless reading them mainly by myself, since we were supposed to read them together, and he refuses to remember how to use the info, regardless! He ‘reads’ (skims) a few chapters, but “stonewalls” about whatever he does read, hence ZERO discussion takes place, so no chance of mending rifts or addressing concerns. It has now also been over 3 yrs since I discovered he’d been both using porn in secret for years (because he won’t TALK about issues as they arise, so acts out instead, like a 5 yr old) and also had secretive personal correspondence with and undisclosed lunches or after-work meet-ups with a female colleague, also lasting several years. Of course, this was all “just an ego thing,” NOT infidelity, in HIS (justifying) opinion. So I’ve also spent countless hours researching infidelity help as well…another thing he’s “not interested in” getting help with.
It has all been way too much to deal with virtually every day since, and I thus became seriously ill, chronically depressed, and utterly exhausted by all the failed efforts to get him to take all this seriously and WAKE UP to what he’s done to me & us by his betrayals and abusive behaviours. He even claims what he does/says is NOT abusive, despite knowing full well how knowledgeable I happen to be about such things. We had tried a cutting edge, vagus nerve-based intro program to try and change his brain from the INSIDE OUT, and I actually believed it had helped somewhat, but he wasn’t “interested” in pursuing the individualized programs offered. He’s just not “getting” that what little he’s done on his own is nowhere NEAR enough, and I think he’d rather bust up our decades-long marriage than do actual WORK to save it. So I have a feeling I will never be valued ENOUGH for him to take any meaningful action. Despite NOT being a totally full-blown Narc, he remains such a massive “project” and I’m so worn out now, I spend most of my days crying silently inside or raging into the air when by myself.May 29, 2018 at 2:47 pm #3284
I’m glad emotional intelligence has been mentioned here. There are so many symptoms that become evident after years of lost time and life.
To my wife’s credit, she has apologized time to time when I return home after leaving the house angry or flabbergasted after a totally unnecessary argument.
I have not yet sought counseling for myself, and I’m not sure that I care enough anymore to salvage my marriage. I encounter several women (customers) from around the world every week at my job who are obviously fascinated with me and seem to have the type of personality that could have an in-depth discussion about feelings, hopes, and dreams if given a chance.
After two years in Florida, my wife is still unemployed. I had hoped she would feel more at home among more South Americans and maybe fall into, if not initiate, friendships. She convinces herself that location is the problem with helping me financially, certainly not herself.
Our lease is up in August, and I don’t know what will happen or what I’ll decide to do.
I need a meaningful relationship with intimacy and understanding, not a 15-year-old daughter in an older woman’s body.
Thanks to everyone who has shared their thoughts in this forum.
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